Year of the Mirror Ball
Pondering on the holistic fragments, reflections of light, individual, and communal relations & everything in between as I celebrate 28 laps around the sun and close out the year of 2022.
Today is my 28th birthday. I'm officially in my late twenties. Lol woah. Being amongst the last of the 94's to join the 28 club gives me a whole year of witnessing my peers embrace this big ol' age, and also gives me a chance to observe their reflections, states and seasons, which at this stage of life... is extremely varied.
But anyways, this is about me and where I'm at, the things I've noticed about myself, and my human experience over the course of the year. I call this the year of the mirror ball - not just because I put up a little disco ball in my room but - just read along and you'll see why :)
INTENTIONALITY
There has been a sense of intentionality this year with how I choose to put myself in situations and where I decide to show up. Pre-pandemic, it felt like I was anywhere and everywhere with anyone in any and all spaces. Over the course of the last two years, I've really been in solitude and as a result, am deeply impacted by where I choose to extend my energy. The thing is, even though I claim that I feel wiser and am being selective about where I choose to spend my time, I'm still a human that will never get it perfect - because each interaction is a lesson, teaching me something I need to know about the person I am in this moment. And I also get sooo caught up in the intentionality that I actually forget to have fun and just enjoy life (my friends scold me about this all the time lol). There's so much beauty in intentionality of how you show up in the world, but being playful with it as well relieves a lot of pressure. 10/10 carrying this dual lesson with me moving forward. Period.
To me, the intentionality of my thoughts shaping my feelings and actions and therefore my reality was always more conceptual to me than my lived experience. But with the awareness that I’ve gained through my relationships, therapy, and the embodiment coaching modality, I've been able to fully see how exercising your mental muscle is the key to CHOOSING to bring more honest joy into your life. This is a lesson that is never ending for me, and it showed up immensely this year.
I also had several intentions along the way that didn't end up following through the way I intended it to, and naturally, that's how God/The Universe works… because what's meant for me won't miss me. And that's facts.
EXPAND AND COLLAPSE
I unfortunately experience a really nasty case of the birthday blues every year without fail, now for the past 10 years. It has nothing to do with aging because aging is an absolute privilege and I love getting older and wiser and fine like wine, but something about it gets me each time. Regardless of what it is, I embrace the shadow of the collapse and allow it to do some beautiful damage and try my best not to question it; to just let it be. Collapse has expressed itself through my year in various forms, in the ways I’ve said no and felt the energetic shift in dynamics, in the fall out of my own expectations, or even my own health. But with every collapse comes an expansive season that is willed into existence. It brings forth a lot of creative ideas, energy to show up in the real world or virtual world, and falling in love with myself all over again.
It's been alot of back and forth, mentally on my views of life, physically with how I take up space and take care of my health (namely my knee), and overall how I interact and choose to grow with the relationships building and collapsing around me. Even my own personal style, characteristics, and hobbies have varied and expanded and collapsed over the year too. As much as we also crave consistency, change and growth of these waves are so important to my human experience and really do bring out the best in me, especially when I embrace it. My expansive seasons have also been really high and wonderful, but the collapse... the lows... they feel like an endless void. To be honest, I'm writing this while I'm in one lol, but that's where the tools of creativity come into play, a hug from a family member (community), and the biggest tool of all... surrender. Just allowing things to be where they are rather than resisting what is. Transmuting energy into creation is the TEA.
This year I've decided to open myself up in ways that I never have before for the sake of health and connection. Interestingly enough, I was on Negin's podcast, 'Growing Wise' last year and as I re-listen to the reflections I shared in 2021, it feels resonant again in 2022. "I've deeply felt the polarity that all of 2021 has to offer. I feel at moments that this year has really broken me down into millions of pieces, although I'm trying to build them up and put it back together, the same way it was, It's never going to be the same, because it's transforming into something new". And as much as I thought 2021 was my year of breaking to renew, it turns out it's going to happen EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR... one way or another, in one area of my life or another. And that is life, that is growth, that is change, and that is something I'm learning to accept. I'm learning to release the attachments I have to concepts and ideas and consistency, so I can deepen my relationship to growth.
THE MIRROR BALL
I've come to understand that everything I interact with in my life, whether it be the environment, a situation, people - they are all simply mirrors. Showing me my truths based on my interpretation of the situation, my presence, my feelings, and my sense of belonging. Showing me how I perceive the world and teaching me lessons whether it's the utmost romantic moment or a heart crushing sour state, life has invited me to welcome it with open arms, to let it flow through me, and to carry forward. As I mentioned, this second half of the year is where I started showing up more in the physical world and that's where in-person reactions made me hyper aware of energy exchange. Each person I interact with is showing me how we reflect each others likes, dislikes, shadows, and light. It's shown me things I don't want to experience in my life and asked me to reflect deeper into why I don't want to engage with certain people or spaces. When you view each situation with curiosity, presence and a sprinkle of introspection, damn... it's mind blowing. At first, it definitely depleted my energy source (ya girl was exhausted) but I'm really feeling into what it means to have my cup full and overflowing.
Half of the year was living in fear, in sickness, in a hybrid uncertain world.
And the other half felt like a renewed spring; hopeful, and fresh.
In both these seasons I had the opportunity to reflect on all the grief triggers, moments of solitude, moments of isolation, the what if's and what could have beens, actual in person hugs (a big deal for me woah), and letting life crack my heart open and being vulnerable to a moment in time. I experienced many firsts as well like seeing a shooting star, paddle boarding, going to a winery, creating a website, being a Godmother... seriously whenever I feel like life is stale I remember these moments because wow... life is finite yet so limitless.
I’m looking forward to what’s next, but for now, I’m experiencing an abundance of emotions as I reflect on this past year. I’ll close this off with a vow to myself to enter this next lap around the sun being present, being love, being authentic, being emotionally available to myself, and being as fierce as ever. I vow to embrace the cycles, the mirrors, the impermanence - loving and embodying it all and remembering each time that all I have is this moment. And it’s mine to make of it.
2022, and year 28 of life: you've been so good to me. You’ve showed me how to really love this version of me.
With all that being said, I’ll proudly hold the mirror ball up to the sun and let the light shine against each piece of the glass, allowing the reflections to work their magic, and illuminate the rest of the room with verity.
Let the party begin!
